how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
