He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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