Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
