I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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