and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
