All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
