I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
