420 ftw
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
