Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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