He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I FOUND THE LEGS
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize