I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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