I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
