I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
