I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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