So drunk its hurt
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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