You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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