I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
