Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
