I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
