Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she told me i tasted like america
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
