I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
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Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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