I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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