I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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