just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
