Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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