I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
