I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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