I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
