Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
