Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He kissed a someone with a penis
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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