$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Couch. On fire.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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