I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
