i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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