so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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