I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
