She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
