My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i've created a new STD.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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