No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
