I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
