How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
