He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
