My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
