I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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