i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I love having hate sex.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize