Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
