I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
