Me. At least after what I've been through.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
