i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
