wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
