Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
