you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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