I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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