So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
